The Gifts of
Imperfection
Brene Brown
Very occasionally, books come by which take one’s breath
away. The Gifts of Imperfection is one
such book. It is most possibly my book
of the decade. It is unusual, as it is
part memoir, part handbook. As such, it
is potentially an odd choice for a book club to discuss due to the lack of
characterisation – but there is so much in this short book that deserves
attention and conversation with friends, that it would be remiss not to
recommend it here.
The aim of Brown’s book is to offer readers insights and
tools towards ‘wholeheartedness.’ For
Brown wholeheartedness is that state of being which is marked by compassion,
courage and joyfulness. It is a sharp,
insightful, and occasionally a little crude, reflection on what it might be to
choose a defiant and passionate, liberated, life.
Brown has spent the majority of her life listening to,
and collating, people’s stories of vulnerability and shame. From these encounters and experiences, Brown
has spent a great deal of time in her own therapeutic setting, recalibrating
her own identity and personal responses to her own experiences of vulnerability
and shame. In ‘The Gifts of
Imperfection’ Brown outlines her own “spiritual awakening” (Brown prefers the
description ‘breakdown’) and offers readers the opportunity to engage with
mechanisms for living a more wholehearted life.
This book should be more widely read than it currently
has been. Brown explores how to move
from perfectionism to compassion; from fear to gratitude; certainty to
faithfulness; exhaustion to rest; anxiety to calm; self doubt to meaning; and
control to laughter. The negative list
here reads like many of the descriptors of twenty-first century living. The positive list, for me at least, often
feels quite a distance away.
What Brown offers through her memoir is an amusing,
sometimes painful, reflection on her own life whilst at the same time pointing
her readers to lessons learnt and activities to foster in one’s own life. This is definitely a book that will serve an
individual well, and would make a great book for a Lent course or short
housegroup series, taking a chapter at a time.
This book will change your life – especially if you begin
to put into practice some of the principles and exercises Brown suggests. This is not a self help book perpetuating
naval gazing and self importance. This
is a handbook to wholehearted living: life long, whole life and world
transforming life to the full.
There are lots of questions in this column, but this is
because there is a question for each chapter.
Feel free not to ask each question, or to use the DIG DEEPER parts of
each chapter rather than the questions here.
‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ is a book that reward multiple reading and
engaged discussion. I hope you enjoy it
as much as I have.
Questions for
discussion
What were your initial expectations when reading a
memoir?
In what ways was reading this different to reading a
novel?
What did you find most compelling about the book as a
whole? What is the one gem that has remained with you from the book?
Which chapter did you find the most helpful? Why?
Which chapter did you find the most difficult? Why?
To what extent is Brown’s voice a necessary one in the
text? Do you find her personal
exploration helpful or jarring? Why?
Brown defines wholeheartedness through three key
characteristics: courage, compassion and connection. What else, if anything, would you add to the
list?
For Brown, wholehearted living is a ‘path of
consciousness and a choice. And, to be honest, a little countercultural.’ Do
you agree? Why/Why not?
There is a difference between shame and guilt. In what ways do you agree/disagree?
What does shame look like?
‘Authenticity isn’t always the safe option.’ What
examples of this can you think of from your own life experience where this has
been the case? (guidepost #1)
Why do you think compassion might spread quickly?
(guidepost #2)
‘When we numb the dark, we numb the light.’ In what ways
do you agree/disagree? Why? What from your own experience
supports/contradicts this? (guidepost #3)
How might joy and happiness be different things?
(guidepost #4)
Do we need certainty in our faith? Why/why not?
What answer would Brown give to this question? (guidepost #5)
‘If we want to make meaning, we need to make art. Cook, write, draw, doodle, paint, scrapbook,
take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act,
sing…’ What are you going to create in light of this conclusion? (guidepost #6)
‘We have to let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and
productivity as self worth.’ What makes this hard to do? (guidepost #7)
Brown suggests that stillness and calm have the
consequence of making humanity face up to the realities of its existence, and
that this can be a painful and difficult encounter. In what ways do you agree/disagree with
Brown’s conclusion? (guidepost #8)
Where do you go to be still?
What effect does stillness and/or silence have on you?
